Rules for Beginners

You must enjoy spontaneous travel, yoga, or water skiing. Additionally, dog possession and/or the presence of cats, allergies notwithstanding, is a non-negotiable.

Literacy is not required though you are encouraged to review the operating manual. Please see insert.

Eschew non plant-based mind altering chemicals. For this reason, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine and oxycontin may be individually consumed on the first through fourth dates respectively. Note: methamphetamine, even in its purest form, was never a plant.

Comprehend or at least memorize proper usage of apostrophes, commas and hyphens. This is especially helpful while texting, less so while speaking on the phone.

Speaking on the phone is discouraged. After all, this is not what phones are for.

It is recommended that most profile images reflect relatively recent events as your prospective date may bear a fundamental expectation that you will actually resemble your picture.

Please note that high resolution close-ups may be mistaken for low resolution close-ups.

A full body shot will prove that you are not fat. If you are fat, it is recommended by unhappy people that you shut down your account and immediately commence an unsafe raw juice diet.

An image of yourself surrounded by other persons will confirm that you are likable or at least photograph well while in the company of strangers.

Images of yourself dressed up, preferably while completely intoxicated.

And yet another of you dressed down, preferably while water skiing.

Anyone residing outside a two mile perimeter from the dating nucleus of Hayes Valley may as well live in the East Bay, or worse still, Marin County.

All travel to Marin County, except on sunny weekends, is forbidden.

You must have a paying job, or if not, retain the title of CEO, Founder, Senior-Co Executive Assistant or Co-Senior Project Manager. Note: Resumes are not being accepted at this time.

You must be alive, or at least seem alive.

Actual proof of life is not in of itself a requirement, but may prove necessary should you choose to arrive on time.

It is further advised that unbridled, unceasing happiness and a positive outlook be regularly maintained.

However, if being your authentic, magical and flawed self is the best you can do, please apply appropriate filters, remain seated, and await further instruction.

Should you lack appropriate filters, please step forward and find each other.