Taxonomic Classification of Homo Jiu-Jitsus: A Field Guide
Abstract
Completed by: Prof. Benjamin Russack, LMFT
Department of Joint Manipulation, University of Mat Sciences
1. Introduction
This field guide presents an incomprehensive taxonomic classification of various subspecies within the Homo Jiu-Jitsus species. The study aims — and likely fails — to provide detailed descriptions, behavioral patterns, and ecological relationships of these subspecies commonly observed in the jiu-jitsu habitat.
2. Methodology
Observational studies were conducted in various jiu-jitsu habitats, including dojos and competition environments. Against the department’s better judgement and despite inadequate funding, behavioral patterns, physical characteristics, and inter-subspecies interactions were recorded and analyzed.
3. Results and Discussion
3.1 The Lumbering Beast
Description: Large, generally male, affable, over forty and with kids, The Lumbering Beast is the happy gorilla of jujitsu. Generally speaking, The Lumbering Beast is easy going, but will smash you if given the chance. He favors pressure passes and tends to employ a simple game that is virtually unbeatable should you be dumb enough to play into it. Trains whenever his wife allows him to leave the house.
Preferred prey: Other Lumbering Beasts.
Mortal enemy: The Dart.
3.2 The Skinny Monkey
Description: Characterized by an average height of 5 foot and a body weight of 110 lbs., The Skinny Monkey exhibits exceptional agility. Often spotted bouncing in circles around their opponents, The Skinny Monkey has been known to jump clear over a victim’s head, land on their back, and proceed to choke man or beast unconscious within 3–5 seconds. These actions are often accompanied by a distinctive, high-pitched cackle.
Preferred prey: Opponents in excess of fifty pounds their own body weight.
Mortal enemy: The Giraffe.
3.3 The Giraffe
Description: Known for their elusive nature, The Giraffe is characterized by a tendency to avoid eye contact and arrive late to class, often choosing to lounge like a lazy punk in secluded corners until it is time to engage in sparring. Because life is unfair, they possess an ideal jujitsu physique — a tall stature coupled with remarkably long, powerful and flexible limbs. As such, The Giraffe excels at landing triangles, omoplatas and breaking the will of their opponents with a prolonged, dead-eyed stare. Even while still white or blue belts, The Giraffe exudes a quiet confidence that no matter how good you are, that someday, eventually, you will become its next meal. Avoid training with giraffes at all costs.
Preferred prey: The Lumbering Beast
Mortal enemy: The Limpet, the Dart.
3.4 The Limpet
Description: Small and stocky, The Limpet typically casts a non-threatening demeanor and will almost always smile and shake your hand before each match. However, do not let your guard down: within moments of the opening bell, The Limpet will clamp onto your leg or arm and become unshakable. Slowly, imperceptibly, maliciously, The Limpet will creep up the side of your body until they pass and obtain mount or back control. Once established, there are very few recorded instances of anyone dislodging The Limpet. Realistically, you would have a better shot at removing one of your own body parts.
Preferred prey: The Lumbering Beast, The Praying Mantis, The Giraffe.
Mortal enemy: The Skinny Monkey
3.5 The Praying Mantis
Description: Not dissimilar to the lumbering beast, but distinguished by a leaner physique and sour demeanor, The Praying Mantis generally lives alone and are rarely seen in public outside of the dojo. Utilizing extraordinary upper body strength, once they pass their opponent’s guard, The Praying Mantis employs a vice grip around the midsection. Because life just really sucks sometimes, they will then keep you there for the remainder of the match, and possibly begin eating your head.
Preferred prey: Everyone.
Mortal enemy: Unknown.
3.6 The Indelicate Flower
Description: Primarily female, The Indelicate Flower greets others with warmth, often offering hugs and engaging in friendly conversation before and after class. Do not be fooled. As a rule, you will severely underestimate the technique of The Indelicate Flower. As excellent listeners and students, The Indelicate Flower will exhibit technique that will be brought to bear exclusively in the hopes of bringing down larger and typically male opponents. It is only once the match begins that you realize her petals are, in fact, steel razor blades and that you are completely fucked.
Preferred prey: Larger, stupider male opponents.
Mortal enemy: Other Indelicate Flowers.
3.7 The Dart
Description: Closely related to The Indelicate Flower, The Dart is slightly more compact and far more up front about their intentions to destroy and humiliate you. True to their name, The Dart is very, very fast. The moment the bell rings The Dart will vanish into thin air and re-appear on your back or straddling your chest. No one knows how they do this and studies are ongoing.
Preferred prey: The Lumbering Beast
Mortal enemy: The Limpet
3.8 The Panda
Also known colloquially as “the happy roly-poly”, should you encounter The Panda in the wild, please contact your local zoo and notify them of their escapee. Despite their spherical nature, The Panda possesses the strength and agility of, well, a bear. They are also weirdly and incredibly flexible and are often seen rolling around the mat like furry beachballs while laughing and grabbing their own feet as they amuse themselves with your feeble attempts to pass their guard. Of note: should you wish to pass The Panda’s guard, try rubbing his belly.
Preferred prey: Bamboo.
Mortal enemy: None. Everyone loves The Panda.
3.9 The Surgeon
Description: Pleasant, rarely exceeding 6 feet in height, the highly intelligent Surgeon knows how to read books. Often moonlighting as a doctor or lawyer, The Surgeon stays up late watching Danaher videos and reviewing diagrams on a white board for new and frightening ways to dismantle their opponents. Surgeons will have unusual games — surfing passes, spaghetti-like leg locking systems as well as harbor strange beliefs about Jujitsu itself. Making grandiose claims based on faulty data, The Surgeon might laud the ineffectiveness of such positions as closed guard or subs such as omoplatas. While this is clearly bullshit, The Surgeon will nevertheless be able to back up these claims as he destroys you calmly, cooly and without apparent malice.
Preferred prey: The Skinny Monkey
Mortal enemy: The Monk
3.10 The Monk
Description: Exuding a false aura of composure and tranquility The Monk will invariably greet you with a bow and a smile. While this may look kinda dumb, be advised that it is merely a method of compartmentalizing an otherwise unmanageable quantity of underlying aggression. Be grateful that this person took the high road over prison. However, do not be lulled into complacency by The Monk’s peaceful demeanor, as during a seemingly smooth roll, they will suddenly, inexplicably Turn It Up — long enough to pass your guard, break your arm or choke you until your soul leaves your body. Also, The Monk has no particular body type or age. As such, any breed of player may retire from their respective category and become The Monk at any time. Generally, after transmutation, one’s game will improve as Monks are good listeners by design. However, you may notice a marked decrease in both appetite and libido.
Preferred prey: None. (Can survive extended periods — days or even weeks — without a meal.)
Mortal enemy: Other Monks. (There can be only one.)
3.11 The Wooly Mammoth
Description: Often retired Lumbering Beasts, The Wooly Mammoth is generally well into their fifties or sixties with lots of hair everywhere. They are very wise and kind, though don’t always train. Given to occasional fits of politically incorrect cussing. Will occasionally suffer from relationship, financial and chemical dependency issues. Everyone loves The Wooly Mammoth as they are a father figure to all. They bring a happy, grounding energy to the school. However, The Wooly Mammoth is vicious when cornered and able to open a can of whoop ass on command. It is so much better to be The Wooly Mammoth’s friend than it is their enemy.
Preferred prey: Anyone who has it coming
Mortal enemy: Themselves
3.12 The Hopeful One
Description: With a mere 2–3 months of training, this starry-eyed youth has only recently been bitten by the jujitsu bug and is of no threat to anyone. Please be nice to The Hopeful One and encourage them to keep showing up to class, no matter how frustrating a day of training they may have had.
Preferred prey: Breast Milk.
Mortal enemy: Everyone. (Again, be nice.)
